I was talking to someone who was sharing with me the fear of selling the home. Everything was changing… the kids… the needs…the neighborhood…
“Hell!! Life itself was changing! What will I become? … We built that place!…We raised our children there…Will they feel lost/disenfranchised? or worse will they drift the planet joining a nomadic pursuit of something permanent? Is it not my role to give them a home base to return to as adults? And what about the grandchildren?”
As the conversation continued the emotion grew more evident. Soon the tone of voice could no longer mask the disillusionment and sadness.
Then out of nowhere the conversation shifted when my friend said;
” ….and l just finally found a first class handy man… you think I will ever be able to find someone to help me renovate there ?! uh no!!”
I say something shifted because I saw it.
It was as if something moved in front of me in an indiscernible way.
Did you just say you were afraid you wouldn’t find someone to help you renovate this new place you don’t want to move to? Why think about fixing it up if you’re gonna stay here? Where did that come from ?”
For a considerable time in our discussion we had remained fixated on the loss and what would be forced to be given up.
We were mired in the problem based thinking that itself is rooted in fear.
It’s really hard to see a solution when you are squarely focused on the problem.
It has long since been my thinking that very little in this world concrete, actually has the ability to frighten us to the point of self limitation.
There is not a lot “out there” that truly frightens us. Rather it is only in the space between our ears where fear truly grips us. And even though this has “long since” been within my awareness – it never ceases to amaze me at how fear actually creeps sneakily in to influence us.
Ever the chameleon of emotions, fear most subversively roots itself in the thoughts of our dreams.
Often initially showing up as the voice of reason, cautiously shepherding our thoughts backward in time to some lesson learned or into the future toward some pain to be avoided. Until we are living somewhere but in the moment – this is the illusion of fear- it rarely occurs in the moment we are experiencing- fear almost always flourishes and thrives in the future or past.
Change in our lives invariably provides the perfect petrie dish in our being to nurture and grow the influence of our deepest fears.
In his book ” The Untethered Soul” , Michael Singerman writes:
“Change can be viewed as either exciting or frightening, but regardless of how we view it, we must all face the fact that change is the very nature of life. If you have a lot of fear you won’t like change. You’ll try to create a world around you that is predictable, controllable and definable. You’ll try to create a world that doesn’t stimulate your fears. Fear doesn’t want to feel itself … so you utilize your mind to manipulate life for the purpose of not feeling fear”
The idea that life’s changes are something many of us resist is not an epiphany. However the degree to which we are prepared to allow the internal Instagram influencers of our mind to halt our full experience of life fascinates me. Especially with the recognition that these “institioriginally designed to keep us aware, awake and alive)
A personal desire to experience, as Singer puts it “the very nature of life”, with ALL its ups downs and growing pains, is continuously challenged by the paralytic influence of trying to experienced life free from change and pain.
This influencer of our thoughts, words and actions can literally halt any forward progress and growth, often before it can identified as the voice of some past pain or future anticipated loss, that’s just taken a little too much of the reigns!
Back to my friend and the impending move …our conversation concluded with that awareness that happens within when something “shifts” .
All of the sudden the vision was no longer focused on the fearsome issues change would create but instead we both found ourselves imagining projects the handyman could complete to realize a new home of dreams.
Reminding me of this simple truth.
What lies on the other side of the fear we imagine is beyond our imagination.